doesn't everybody wonder how they got to be where they are once in a while? if i knew then what i know now, would i make the same decisions? and if i didn't make those decisions, would i be the same person that i am today?

the person that you are today is because of the choices you made yesterday.

i believe everything comes full circle. what goes around, comes around, and all that shit.

but what if karma disguises itself, and you, in your self-absorbed world, refuses to see that it could be a 'punishment' for the things you have done past. and what if the person or things that have caused you grief have no concept at all of what karma truly means, does that mean they will escape its path when it comes hurtling back?

i have no answers. but i believe in a higher power. i believe in God. i still have my faith, and that is why i'm still here.

He has other plans for me, and i believe that. any other person would have found the means to escape this reality.

i cannot help but feel that i have managed to bend the laws of the universe somehow. the guilt bears down on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. should i have let things run its own course, would i be where i am today? or would i be in a totally different space?

either way, to question anything would only prove to be futile. i still know nuts about anything.

i am not a prophet, and i am certainly no angel. i cannot forgive and i certainly do not forget. my heart has been broken into a million pieces and there is no way it can be whole again. images swirls in my head, imagined or otherwise.

i do not laugh at the things i used to find funny anymore. i do not cry at movies while watching romantic comedies like i used to. in fact, i feel like shouting, don't be fooled! i used to be a hopeless romantic. now, i just think it's hopeless.

there are days when i think things will be ok, that i will be ok. and then there are days, i think to myself, i just want to get up and go. leave everything that i know behind, and start afresh. start on a fresh piece of paper, so white and untainted, ready for me to write a new life.

and on some days when i wake up, i question myself, how do i feel today, because i feel numb. tears sometimes roll down my cheeks, so easily, at the simplest thought. crybaby.

granted, it didn't hurt as much as it used to. but, bloody hell, it still hurts.

i don't forgive, and i cannot forget. i lied.

i don't believe in unplanned holidays. mostly because i think you'll lose out when you don't know where to go or what to do. not unless i paid big money to go in some packaged tour do i really let myself relax.

i will plan, plan, plan. i hate it when i leave it to someone else, and they fuck my 'holiday' up. cases in points, sarawak and iran. not that i didn't enjoy going there, but i feel that those trips could have been SO much better.

everything needs planning, resourcing and taken into account with careful considerations.

i'm leaving for KL tomorrow. may God help me...

i'm sick of fucking inconsiderate idiots who walks around incapable of even recognizing that they are fucking inconsiderates in the first place. first of all, when a woman is walking ANYWHERE by herself, pushing a baby stroller, WITH a baby in it, you should realise that when we require a vehicle to manouvre another body, it means mobility is not as easy as you fuckers with no baggage is capable of. when we, said women with strollers, open the heavy doors that some establishments have, very widely and leaving it open so mother and baby can stroll through, it does not mean we are opening the doors for you fuckers! don't try to sidestep my baby's stroller because, God help me, everytime someone does that, i have the greatest urge to strike you down to the ground.

another thing, are your legs so fucking useless that you cannot even use the escalators that have been provided to you? why must you push those that need the lifts more, ie. women with baby strollers, just so that you don't have to use the moving stairs, and expect us to wait for the next available one? does your life move at a faster pace or does it just mean you refuse to acknowledge that you are only using 0.1% of your brain capacity when it comes to being polite and mindful.

there have been more than one occassion when not one person offers his/her seat to me when i am carrying my child in the bus, when there was no available seats left.

do we dare to claim ourselves as an advanced society when our manners are neanderthal at best? we are so self-involved we forget that we don't live with ourselves only. oh the day i put a person in his place is the day i would have lost it.

and that, from the look of things, is going to be very soon.

i saw a newsclip the other day and got curious about it. i finally checked it out on youtube and i must say it deserves all the attention that it has been getting. i think this girl is really talented and her music moves me. not a lot of people are capable of doing that, moving me i mean. and to think that she comes from this small dot on the map. she is way better than any of the local talent that we see on tv. yes, there is talent in singapore. too bad those people at the tv stations choose to put only pretty faces on, the ones that doesn't even have an inkling of a talent bone in their body. i hope ling succeeds.

every time when i'm on one of my errands, you know the ones that you put off doing because you know you have to do it yourself because having people tag along slows you down, i'd fully charge my ipod because, you know, to stop me talking to myself when i'm out and about. of course, as any music player owner knows, what goes into your ipod are the music that you absolutely love and nothing less. so when i'm by myself, waiting for the bus, at the bus-stop or the bus interchange, and a particular music comes on that gets my groove going, i just feel the greatest urge to throw everything down and shake everything that my momma gave me. sometimes i think, what if one day, i have a screw loose up there, which is always a possibility what with my hormones, i do exactly just that? would they call the police and haul me off to the mental hospital, or would they capture everything on their handphone and later upload it on youtube?

i guess that vid will have a million hits in no time. who doesn't want to watch a fat woman dancing to music that only she can hear in a crowded interchange? heck, i think i'd pay to see that myself...