the bare essentials

karma chameleon

2010-10-01T09:09:00.003+08:00

doesn't everybody wonder how they got to be where they are once in a while? if i knew then what i know now, would i make the same decisions? and if i didn't make those decisions, would i be the same person that i am today?

the person that you are today is because of the choices you made yesterday.

i believe everything comes full circle. what goes around, comes around, and all that shit.

but what if karma disguises itself, and you, in your self-absorbed world, refuses to see that it could be a 'punishment' for the things you have done past. and what if the person or things that have caused you grief have no concept at all of what karma truly means, does that mean they will escape its path when it comes hurtling back?

i have no answers. but i believe in a higher power. i believe in God. i still have my faith, and that is why i'm still here.

He has other plans for me, and i believe that. any other person would have found the means to escape this reality.

supernova

2010-09-15T03:39:00.003+08:00

i cannot help but feel that i have managed to bend the laws of the universe somehow. the guilt bears down on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. should i have let things run its own course, would i be where i am today? or would i be in a totally different space?

either way, to question anything would only prove to be futile. i still know nuts about anything.

how do you move on?

2010-09-13T02:21:00.003+08:00

i am not a prophet, and i am certainly no angel. i cannot forgive and i certainly do not forget. my heart has been broken into a million pieces and there is no way it can be whole again. images swirls in my head, imagined or otherwise.

i do not laugh at the things i used to find funny anymore. i do not cry at movies while watching romantic comedies like i used to. in fact, i feel like shouting, don't be fooled! i used to be a hopeless romantic. now, i just think it's hopeless.

there are days when i think things will be ok, that i will be ok. and then there are days, i think to myself, i just want to get up and go. leave everything that i know behind, and start afresh. start on a fresh piece of paper, so white and untainted, ready for me to write a new life.

and on some days when i wake up, i question myself, how do i feel today, because i feel numb. tears sometimes roll down my cheeks, so easily, at the simplest thought. crybaby.

granted, it didn't hurt as much as it used to. but, bloody hell, it still hurts.

i don't forgive, and i cannot forget. i lied.

ocd kicking in

2008-06-20T15:26:00.003+08:00

i don't believe in unplanned holidays. mostly because i think you'll lose out when you don't know where to go or what to do. not unless i paid big money to go in some packaged tour do i really let myself relax.

i will plan, plan, plan. i hate it when i leave it to someone else, and they fuck my 'holiday' up. cases in points, sarawak and iran. not that i didn't enjoy going there, but i feel that those trips could have been SO much better.

everything needs planning, resourcing and taken into account with careful considerations.

i'm leaving for KL tomorrow. may God help me...

you know what i'm fucking sick of?

2008-05-23T04:08:00.003+08:00

i'm sick of fucking inconsiderate idiots who walks around incapable of even recognizing that they are fucking inconsiderates in the first place. first of all, when a woman is walking ANYWHERE by herself, pushing a baby stroller, WITH a baby in it, you should realise that when we require a vehicle to manouvre another body, it means mobility is not as easy as you fuckers with no baggage is capable of. when we, said women with strollers, open the heavy doors that some establishments have, very widely and leaving it open so mother and baby can stroll through, it does not mean we are opening the doors for you fuckers! don't try to sidestep my baby's stroller because, God help me, everytime someone does that, i have the greatest urge to strike you down to the ground.

another thing, are your legs so fucking useless that you cannot even use the escalators that have been provided to you? why must you push those that need the lifts more, ie. women with baby strollers, just so that you don't have to use the moving stairs, and expect us to wait for the next available one? does your life move at a faster pace or does it just mean you refuse to acknowledge that you are only using 0.1% of your brain capacity when it comes to being polite and mindful.

there have been more than one occassion when not one person offers his/her seat to me when i am carrying my child in the bus, when there was no available seats left.

do we dare to claim ourselves as an advanced society when our manners are neanderthal at best? we are so self-involved we forget that we don't live with ourselves only. oh the day i put a person in his place is the day i would have lost it.

and that, from the look of things, is going to be very soon.

ling86

2008-04-17T18:09:00.003+08:00

i saw a newsclip the other day and got curious about it. i finally checked it out on youtube and i must say it deserves all the attention that it has been getting. i think this girl is really talented and her music moves me. not a lot of people are capable of doing that, moving me i mean. and to think that she comes from this small dot on the map. she is way better than any of the local talent that we see on tv. yes, there is talent in singapore. too bad those people at the tv stations choose to put only pretty faces on, the ones that doesn't even have an inkling of a talent bone in their body. i hope ling succeeds.

secret for the month of april

2008-04-16T04:35:00.000+08:00

every time when i'm on one of my errands, you know the ones that you put off doing because you know you have to do it yourself because having people tag along slows you down, i'd fully charge my ipod because, you know, to stop me talking to myself when i'm out and about. of course, as any music player owner knows, what goes into your ipod are the music that you absolutely love and nothing less. so when i'm by myself, waiting for the bus, at the bus-stop or the bus interchange, and a particular music comes on that gets my groove going, i just feel the greatest urge to throw everything down and shake everything that my momma gave me. sometimes i think, what if one day, i have a screw loose up there, which is always a possibility what with my hormones, i do exactly just that? would they call the police and haul me off to the mental hospital, or would they capture everything on their handphone and later upload it on youtube?

i guess that vid will have a million hits in no time. who doesn't want to watch a fat woman dancing to music that only she can hear in a crowded interchange? heck, i think i'd pay to see that myself...

the sweet smell of freshly baked bread

2008-04-02T03:05:00.002+08:00

i love bread. although i know starches and carbohydrates don't help if i wanna try to lose weight. but i don't really care.

i baked my first loaf of bread today. a portuguese sweet bread to be exact. starch AND sugar. what a combination! it turned out well and it tastes fantastic. although, i must say, the texture is not quite there yet.

i didn't take any pics, simply because 1) i forgot 2) by the time i remembered, i've already eaten two slices and 3) my slicing skills have not been perfected yet so they wouldn't really make great pictures.

i'm thinking of making a baguette the next time round.

i think i'm really getting used to the idea of being domesticated.

i wonder if this is how britney feels...

2008-03-29T05:20:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder why certain things go through my mind the way they do. sometimes i wonder why certain things happen the way they do for me. all best laid plans are sometimes meant to never happen. or sometimes they do, just not the way you pictured it to be. i wonder why i do the things i do. sometimes i feel as if i have no control over the things that happen. as if i'm seeing things from a third person's perspective. sometimes i feel so detached.

sometimes i feel no guilt. i promise it would never happen and yet time and time again i disappoint myself. it's becoming a habit. punish. discipline.

i don't trust myself. i really don't. so unstable. so unreliable. so unpredictable. do i put myself down? no. it's the stinking truth.

history cannot repeat itself. that's what i've been saying all my life. and yet, i have no control. emotions rule me. and then i let it go.

i must let it go. it. it destroys. it destroyed my life. it. i cannot let it destroy again.

happy belated valentine's (creaking chair and all)

2008-02-20T06:35:00.001+08:00

addicted

2008-01-24T21:57:00.001+08:00

i love looking at make-up. i always feel that i have the need for new make-up. but the stupid thing is, i hardly wear make-up. the only time i would ever wear make-up, full-on, is when i have an occassion to attend. otherwise, i feel like it's a bother. somehow, knowing this, it doesn't stop me from wanting to buy colourful pallettes and lipsticks on a whim. every colour is like gold to me. i just gotta have it.

what is this need that i have to beautify myself? and yet when i do get new colours, they lay sitting in my drawer for years. if i really don't like them, i give them away after a while. but if i really do love them, they stay with me for more than 10 years. seriously.

meanwhile, my skin has gone to crap. due to my constant need to buy new things, i tend to forget that only certain products work for me. and because i've spent quite a number of dollars, i don't buy the ones that i need till the one that i have, however useless they are, are gone. so, for now, my face is riddled with pimples and drying scars that i've picked on. i think i like doing this to myself, that's why i keep doing it. silly, me.

merry christmas, y'all!

2007-12-25T06:26:00.001+08:00

even though i don't, technically, celebrate christmas, i'll be roasting a turkey later, simply because i can. i've also made a cheesecake from scratch.

i want to eat big big and a lot a lot. i just hope it doesn't come off as a disappointment. it's not my virgin try though, coz i did roast a turkey on another christmas ten years ago on my honeymoon.

it turned out quite great actually. i let it roast in the oven while hubby and i frolicked on the beach across the road. the only downer was the stuffing which i bought pre-packaged. that's why this year's turkey will be naked, but there will be gravy. everything's delicious with gravy. at least, i think so.

turkey with gravy, potatoes, salad, cheesecake for dessert. almost as good as a proper christmas meal, sans alcohol. because after i all i don't really celebrate. everything's halal, babe.

2007-12-24T10:27:00.001+08:00

do you really hate me that much?

mellon collie and the infinite sadness

2007-12-12T02:42:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling a little bit melancholic these past few days, generally because, i'm out of my mood formula pills. secondly, today marks my tenth wedding anniversary. and thirdly, my mom's going off for a month for her pilgrimage. her umph time in as many years.

i've been listening to streaming radio from 90.9 sea fm from gold coast because that was the radio station that we constantly tuned in to in the car on our honeymoon. i still remember the sultry voice that said, "it's a stinking hot summer, thanks to four X," ever so often for the beer commercials. even though i've been to the gold coast a few times, i don't think i'll ever be tired of it, neither will i stop missing it.

hubby conveniently forgot the promise that he made on our honeymoon saying that we'll come back to the same place on our 10th anniversary. he's lucky i wasn't holding on to his words. we celebrated early anyways; last saturday, at the carousel, with baby in tow. it was a wonderful day.

like i said, i've been feeling a bit melancholic, and songs like 'how to save a life' and 'apologise' brings tears to my eyes.

i don't know how i'm going to cope a whole month without my mom. she's been nanny to my baby when i get too run down, which is often. oh the potential headaches...

and therein lies, the infinite sadness...

a dirty, dirty entry

2007-12-03T05:41:00.000+08:00

cravings are dirty business. wants are dirty business. you put them together, you get big trouble.

eversince i had some doughnuts from the donut factory, my salivary glands have gone into overdrive. i cannot stop drooling at the sight of doughnuts. of course, when you buy something else other than the real thing, it's never as good. it's like getting the twenty dollar LV knock-off, and when it rips you realise that you shouldn't have wasted your money in the first place.

with december already here, shopping habits that had been in hibernation (not really) kicks up again with the appearance of warehouse sales. i've been to the loreal, prestige products (perfumes & cosmetics) and the akira warehouse sales.

i spent $50 at loreal, $142 at prestige (although only $12 was my own purchase - everything else were for everybody else. oii.. you owe me money), and $328.80 at akira. technically, it's not my money since i'm not a working body that contributes to the household income in the first place. shopping for other people also gave me the same high as if the purchases were my own.

i bought a sewing machine and a vacuum cleaner at akira, both i felt was a need rather than a want. i doubt i'd be using all 21 stitch patterns that are available to me by the sewing machine, but it's good to know i have them if i ever really need them. hmmmm....

as for the vacuum cleaner, i think it's time that i suck all the cravings and the wants rather than just pushing them under the rug like i've been doing for the longest time.

and lest i forget, hubby fed his want by buying a new fujitsu laptop instead of a refurbished one as earlier intended. the same notebook that i'm using now to do this entry as he lay snoring in bed next to me.

now this is what i call talent

2007-11-21T04:22:00.000+08:00

the story so far

2007-10-29T04:17:00.000+08:00

there's a reason why i don't blog much these days. one of them being that i think it's a bit pompous for me to write something and post it on the world wide web as if i have tons of loyal readers. secondly, i can't help but to feel a little bit weird-ed out by the fact that it's being read by people that i don't even know. that means you. yes, you. i feel a bit stalked somehow.

when i first started this journal, it was meant to be an outlet for me. i was feeling the frustrations of a lot of things at the time and writing helped to get a whole load of my chest. knowing that i was sharing some of my problems makes me feel better. now things are more or less calmer, and i'm settling really well into motherhood and being a non-worker. sure i could blog about my baby and the tremendous progress that she's experiencing, but somehow i feel like that is exploitation on my part, so i rather not. and i really don't feel comfortable with, again, people that i don't know reading and knowing about her. enough said.

on a different note, i had spent a S$251 on luggage this past week. that's a very good deal considering that it was 5 bags total. john little was having a travel fair, and i scored the bags at 50% off or more. 2 camel active trolley bags, 2 swiss polo trolley bags and a swiss polo duffle bag; perfect as a cabin bag to store my baby's stuff.

samsonite was still a little bit too expensive for my budget, and it's not as if i'm a hardcore traveller. but still i needed new ones as mine were way past their expiration dates. it's amazing that they have lasted this long anyway.

the reason for the new bags is a last minute trip to sarawak that my husband suggested. in the spirit of hari raya, he decided it was a good time to visit his relatives over there. our first since we got married!

hopefully we're gonna have a wonderful time even though the weather forecast says there's gonna be thunderstorm on the days that we're there.

right, i think i may have over-blogged this one. because truthfully, it's not really journalistic material. crap.

it's absolutely fabulous, dahhhling!

2007-10-10T02:55:00.000+08:00

hello, you

2007-09-21T02:49:00.000+08:00

there seems to be someone i do not know who is reading my blog. hmmm, maybe you're just shy. wanna introduce yourself, little fella?

"i'm sorry for blaming you, for everything i just couldn't do"

2007-09-08T05:19:00.000+08:00

my father-in-law passed on last month, and for a number of days before and after his death, my husband was broken. being the only son, i can only imagine what he was going through. truthfully, i have no idea what kind of relationship they had because my husband is a man of little words, but it was evident that it was hard for him. and it was difficult for me to see him like that.

and then i was reminded of how it was 20 years ago when my father died. what exactly was going through my mind, and of what i felt. was it sadness? yes. but not the kind you think. i was sad because i didn't get the chance to apologize. for wishing him dead for so long. for putting 'eno' in his coffee just because i was mad at him, and that i hated him.

but 20 years on, i cannot really remember why i was so angry. sure i remember the abuse, and the reasons behind them, and the feelings of helplessness on my part, for feeling so small and so afraid all the time. but i seem to forget all the good stuffs before that.

for the father that he was. the man that everyone seems to tell me was a father who doted on me. and that i was his favourite. my cousin recently remarked to me that he remembered my father as a humorous man. he always had sweets for my cousin and his brother, and called them 'sanggem boys' because of their bloodline, just for fun. i don't remember any of that, i barely remember that. it brought tears to my eyes and i almost lost it in front of my cousin. he was quick to notice it though, and said that maybe my memory of my father is different. how true. it seems like a different lifetime.

all i feel was anger. i still do.

and i have come to realize that part of the reason for the anger was because there was no closure for me. i was not there when he died. it was all so sudden. my grandad brought him over to the hospital early dawn and that was it.

i didn't get a chance to tell him exactly how i felt. and most importantly, i wanted to ask him, why?

during the few days after my father-in-law's funeral, i had a dream about my father. in this dream, it seemed that my father never died, merely gone into hiding because he wanted to run away (for whatever reason, it was not apparent). and he returned and settled into life as what i know now as if nothing ever happened.

i got angry, and somehow i felt brave, which was new because i never felt brave against my father. i knew i was older, and bigger than the 13 year old girl that he last knew. i'm an adult, he cannot hurt me, i thought. and i told him exactly how i felt.

"what makes you think you can come back here and pretend that nothing ever happened? what makes you think you can come back here and be a husband and a father after disappearing for 22 years? (it's actually 20 but i could never count properly in my dreams). do you really think we want to accept you after you have abandoned us?"

it was this dream that made me know. i was never angry because of what he did. after all these years, i think i am more angry because of what he had never done; of all the things that he never got to do.

i don't have issues with abuse. i have issues with abandonment.

i never did like feeling lost. and at 33, the feeling of loneliness eats me up often.

i'm tired of feeling angry all the time. i want to move on. i want to not be stuck in a rut, going through the same emotional cycles. i want to forgive. truly, i do. and at the same time, i want to try to forgive myself.

"and i've hurt myself by hurting you"

2007-08-25T03:07:00.000+08:00

some people just can't be trusted.

p.s. happy 3rd birthday, blog...

we're running out of metal, people!

2007-07-27T01:23:00.000+08:00

apparently stealing scrap metal is not only a problem in our country. if you were to google 'steal metal' you would most likely get hits on the problem in other countries too.

for the past 2 years, i've been noticing metal thingies missing from my estate (this was brought on after watching an episode of 'crime watch' on this matter). things like the copper attachments that are attached to a fire riser, the copper wire that earths the lightning rods in the building, signages, licence plates on vehicles, and once, the wrought irons seats that were installed under the blocks were dismantled.

i know times are hard, but seriously, you're resorting to stealing public property now? for shame.

stealing is never the answer. so when the metal runs out, then what you gonna do?

damn, damn, daaaaaammmmmmnnnnnnn!!!

2007-06-29T12:34:00.000+08:00

for the past few weeks i've been taking something called the 'mood formula' from the friendly local gnc store. the reason i got it was because, truthfully, i think the crazies run in my blood. especially after my baby has gotten curious about a lot more things than she ever was and i had to keep a rein on her every moment she's awake, i had to also learn to keep my temper in check.

because of the unnecessary extra feelings of stress that i had this past month (see previous post), i had been taking the pills once a day, every day (instead of as and when), for the past 2 weeks. and i must say that they do the job pretty damn well. whatever feelings of anger that i might have had seems to dissipate and gets sucks back to where it came from in a matter of seconds. somehow, the mind takes over the heart and says, "take a step back, you, i'm in charge here."

so anyways, because of the thing that happened yesterday, i knew i was really feeling low and down, and i knew that i had a great urge to cry, and i thought having a great, big bawl will make the bad things go away, and guess what? the tears just wouldn't come. uh-huh, i'm not lying! i had a tear, two at the most, run down my cheek (yes, cheek, coz only the right eye was tearing) and then after that i realised that i wasn't sad anymore.

and this morning, i can't help feeling a bit down still and tried to force myself to cry, and lo and behold, the tears wouldn't come at all. amazing! if i were to not have taken those pills, would i have still be in control of my emotions? i think not.

but i can't help to wonder though, is it really healthy to suppress the emotions like this? but technically i'm not really suppressing, because although i can feel it, i just can't emote it like i used to.

and maybe, sooner or later, i'll be less of a drama-mama. hhmmmm...

heh? yea, whatever!

2007-06-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

i know i'm not supposed to blog about this, but since i'm out of the race anyway, who gives a fuck right? but just to be on the safe side, i'll be as cryptic as possible.

so i didn't make it. i'd be lying if i were to say that i am not disappointed, because i trully, really am. i was looking forward to having that S$40 000 in my hands, but i guess it wasn't really meant to be. and truthfully, it's not as bad as the first time round, because, somehow, i feel that i did this for the right reason. inspire by example, and i have done that bit. i just didn't manage to go all the way as i intended, but i can truthfully say i tried. i can't say i did my best, but i gave my best shot considering i was nervous as hell and i was surrounded by semis and professionals. but this is what happens when you put your future in someone else's hands; you give them a chance to crush it.

if God willing, should an opportunity present itself to me in the future, i will not shy from it. i will pursue, because that is what i want to do ; inspire by example. i don't want to give any excuses because it's not expected.

but i tell you one good thing that i got out of it though; i talked to some new people. some nice, and some were not so nice, but it was refreshing to be in a new circle. anyways, i hope the people turning up tomorrow will try to have fun, because i can tell you this for sure, more than half of them will go home feeling just as disappointed, if not more, like i did just now. but that's how the story goes, that's how the world spins. in every race, there are bound to be winners and there are bound to be losers. it's just how you want to rise above the label that you've been given, and feel like a winner nonetheless.

that's how i feel for now anyway, and i'm sticking by it.

p.s. i really, really miss my baby. i feel that my mind hasn't been with her this past month. no matter now. i'll make it up to her in the weeks to come.

wahahahaha!!!

2007-06-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

if you can't view, click here.

somebody pass me the calamine!

2007-06-19T03:32:00.000+08:00

i'm getting that itch again. seriously, i think it's time. even if it means its only for a short while. i just feel like running away. wanna feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree, feel the rush of the ocean...(na na na na...)

of course, when i say 'run away', i mean with my hubby and baby, and possibly mum and sisters. just to get out of the everyday mundane, routine, mind-numbing things that we do. i want to show my daughter the world, and see her have fun. now that she can run (and scream at anything and everything that excites her), i think it's a good time.

i just want to hop on a plane and land in a different, yet fun, destination.

*sigh*

don't know, could just be hormones, but don't tell me that this didn't make you at least wanna cry...

2007-06-15T04:36:00.000+08:00

read this

2007-06-15T03:38:00.000+08:00

there's a lesson to be learned here.

2007-06-15T03:15:00.000+08:00

dear God, i don't usually ask for anything much, but i think You know that this is very important to me. so i ask of You, please grant this for me. it would change my life, i'm sure. plus i need it to guarantee at least a start for my daughter's future. if i do so fail in everything else, i pray that You help me in doing this right. for there is no one else that i can ask for help but You.

a picture says a thousand words

2007-05-24T01:50:00.000+08:00

well, in this case, maybe not so many words. for one thing, the obvious one being my sister, there's something just not quite right with her face. she was so turned on standing next to taufik, she magically transformed herself into paris hilton. but the thing is, instead of just one wonky eye, she has two. and what's up with that smile?

also, if anybody else noticed, none of our eyes are looking in the same direction. the truth is, there were quite a few cameras clicking at that time, so we were doing our best impression(s) of red carpet poses (you know, the one where you're so hot, you don't know which camera to look at?)...

my baby couldn't care less who she's taking pictures with. she just wants to do something else. oh dear god, just look at that double chin! (mine, not hers...)

it could be just that i'm being a little bitchy, but it looks like taufik may be developing a little belly. too many good things are not good for you, eh taufik? talking about bellies, i never thought the day would come, but apparently it has. may God help me, sooner or later, my tummy is gonna be way bigger than my boobs.

untitled

2007-03-20T05:07:00.000+08:00

there's an emptiness i cannot fill

a void i cannot hide

a loneliness i cannot escape

a depression that lingers and leaves a dent

and eats at my soul

a sadness that won't go away

a pessimistic mind that refuses to be changed

idling hands that cannot do anything

a disrespected body that strains to survive

perish by my own doing

undone by my own design

i needed to vent

2007-03-02T20:34:00.000+08:00

Rate this song or Record your own at SingShot

you can choose to listen...or not. either way, lower your volume, coz i don't wanna be responsible for your loss of hearing.

7 days

2007-02-23T03:12:00.000+08:00

that's how long it takes for this stupid thing to load my posts. knnbccb!

2007-02-16T04:43:00.000+08:00

DAMN YOU, BLOGSPOT! I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOUUUUUUUU!!!

oh, crap!

2007-02-15T01:52:00.000+08:00

i'm not a fan of this new template, but eversince i shifted to the new blogger, my new post wasn't reflected. dunno what the hell is the problem. anyway, i'd have to figure out all the things that i did before and find another template that i could possibly like.

DAAARRRRRMMMM it!

edit: i may have found something that i like. i just have to personalise it now. *sigh*

re-edit: it's still not working right. aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!

shalom in the home

2007-02-14T05:08:00.001+08:00

i grew up in a huge household. a house filled with my uncles, aunts, grandparents, neighbours and a whole bunch of strangers that came and went. my parents worked and they needed family to help take care of us - my sister and i. this was before the third one came along.

i received so many different 'education' from so many people, which i believe contributed to my schizophrenic persona. so many of them took it upon themselves to 'discipline' me. it was okay if i was to be berrated or slapped or pinched or smacked for something that may have seemed wrong in their eyes. the feeling of guilt and unworthiness creeps so often, because i was constantly being told off by so many different people who have so many different ideas as to what children should be taught about. the things that i remember still hurts me to this day.

but the one thing that stands out the most is that nobody came to 'save' me. the feeling of helplessness that i felt when scolded for something so trivial. i had noone to turn to, to make me feel better. and i always thought that life was so unfair for allowing people that are not my parents are allowed to make me feel that way (though, i must say, there are times when my parents treated me worse.) i was too young to tell them off, "who the hell are you, to do that?"

when my sis' friend, the other day, raised her voice at my child, all the feelings came flooding back. i was too shocked to tell her off. sure, my baby was playing with an electric socket. but it is not her place to 'teach'. if she really wanted to help, remove her from the spot, and not raise her voice.

i know at nine months old, my baby is too young to understand about betrayal. and i feel that i have done just that by not saying anything. and i am angry at myself for allowing such a thing to happen. nobody shall treat my child as to how i was treated.

i am adamant that all the negative things that had surrounded me while i was growing up shall not be subjected to my baby. i will uproot her if i have to.

i want her to grow up well adjusted, not screwed up as i am. i promise.

happy valentine's day, y'all!

CRASH

2007-01-23T04:04:00.000+08:00

it's a vicious cycle. sometimes you do the things you do because you don't think twice about it. or you do it because you think it's the norm, because that was what had been taught to you, or it's because of something that had happened to you that triggered this particular response.

i often wonder whether i'm a good mother to my baby. and whether i'm able to bring her up with the right set of morals and values. and i know for my baby to understand what i'm teaching her, i must practice what i preach. after all, monkey see, monkey do. i have an idea of how i want to do things, but more often than not, it's hard to follow a set of rules that is written nowhere in a book.

i was out last week, running errands with mom and my sis, with baby in tow. we came across two very young kids asking for alms. heartbreaking, yes, but at the back of my mind, i wondered, how in the world their parents could set them out for a task like that, equipped with a plastic container for their collections.

my sister made a remark,"how the fuck could these people fuck and let themselves bring lives into this world when they know that they cannot afford to raise them properly?"

my sister has a lot to learn about circumstances. the things that happens to people when it happens. i'm not saying she's totally ignorant, i'm just saying, like a lot of other people out there, they see things rather one-dimensional.

am i wise? no. i, myself, still have lots to learn from the world. i won't lie if i do not know something. but sometimes i wonder, why is it i emphatise so much with so many things? too much empathy. there must be a reason why God have given me this 'gift'. i hope one day, He makes it clear to me as to what i'm supposed to do with it and how to do it.

and i pray to Him, He makes my daughter smarter than I am.

songs i'm loving at the moment...

2007-01-21T04:03:00.000+08:00

jesse mccartney - just so you know
daughtry - it's not over

wawaweewah!

2007-01-18T04:47:00.000+08:00

Rate this song or Record your own at SingShot

my crappy attempt to sound professional. the out of sync thing (through no fault of mine) is making it worse!

the one thing you need to do today...

2007-01-12T16:36:00.000+08:00

go watch Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. while some may say that it's a stupid movie that doesn't require much brain cells to get a laugh, i say deep down, beneath all the layers of crap and nudity, the movie makes you think of how much bias and shallowness there are in this world.

plus, i think it's about time somebody makes a movie like this. sacha baron cohen is a genius.

BEWARE (to all mothers out there...)

2007-01-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

This is what happens when you let other people take pictures of your baby.

how's the new year been treating you so far?

2007-01-06T03:21:00.000+08:00

i went to tanjung pinang over the hari raya/new year weekend. i had a pretty nice time, considering that i haven't been on a holiday with the whole clan for quite sometime. although i must say, it's during these type of occassions that you are actually reminded of what kind of a whackjob family you are born into.

i reminded hubby to let everything he sees and hears slide with more than a pinch of salt. of course, i admittedly told him, each and every one of us deserves a certification from IMH. but, he also has to know, the first step towards healing is to admit that you have a problem in the first place (this statement is meant to be sarcastic towards him for certain obvious reasons, ie. his clan).

anyways, i was telling him that melayu 'people' have some sort of disorder. i'd like to call it a 'superior inferiority complex'. i overheard a pakcik talking supremely about him having went bowling the night before. then he started complaining how awful the lanes were. errrrr... pakcik, may i remind you where you are? how much did you pay? your input and output doesn't correlate. salah sambung!

i also commented (to hubby) that, melayu seems to have weird wants in different surroundings. they seem to have no problem eating nasi or mee or some other rich carbs for breakfast on any other day, but when they're at a hotel, they expect half boiled eggs to be served on the buffet table.

what i enjoyed most was going to the swalayan (supermarket) and hunt for tidbits and drinks that i normally won't get at home. and the fact that almost everything is way cheaper than anything here, is a thrill on its own. here's something to give you a perspective; a litre bottle of mineral water in singapore normally goes for s$1.50, and yet i can get that same bottle there for only s$0.30!

here's another thing; i love going there to pamper myself and take advantage of the exchange rate. the last time i was there, i went to the martha tilaar spa, plus facial, and got myself worked on for nearly 3 hours for only s$100.

still not cheap enough? okay, how about this? i got a hairspa treatment (60 mins - inclusive of head and neck massage), a hand and foot reflexology session (roughly 45 mins), for the super cheap total amount of s$13.50! tipping is optional, but it's always appreciated. plus i'd feel guilty if i didn't give the fella anything after spending 2 hours kneading my body parts.

there was also the new year's eve party at the hotel. it was small scale, but no less fun. we ended getting quite a bit of gifts at the end of the night. there was a fashion show, and one of the models reminded me of cristiano ronaldo. yummm... i couldn't stop drooling. but then when the show was over and the party started, and this guy started dancing, i lost my steam coz he was so mat kental-ish!

talking about steam, i'm running out of it now. i've discovered a website that i can sing to online, but the damn thing is having some problems. somehow, whatever i'm singing, when played back, it's never in sync with the music. damn....

maybe once everything works out, i might be able to 'showcase' my talent on my blog. jeng jeng jeng....

merry christmas

2006-12-25T18:16:00.000+08:00

i hate myself.

i've become the one thing that i swore i'd never be.

i'm sorry.

we're 9, people!

2006-12-15T01:14:00.000+08:00

i've cut my hair today. i cut my hair on tuesday too. i've cut a good 5 inches off my locks. yeah. and i've straigtened those locks. they were bothering me, and baby keeps pulling them. i've never done anything like this before. i felt that i needed change. my sister laughed coz she said my hair looked funny. she said i looked the queen in the band 'jive talking'. this coming from a woman who has a mullet for a haircut.

actually i've got a story to tell, but i guess not today. because today i'm feeling a bit wiped.

9 is the number of years that i've been married to hubby. that was tuesday. no fanfare. just dinner at siam kitchen, just the 3 of us. after that, a haircut for me, while baby and daddy shopped for cat food and kitty litter.

i'm off to bed now. will be thinking about bills to come.

2006-12-05T03:42:00.000+08:00

there is something seriously wrong with your life or with you, if you were to constantly look for things that aren't there, or you thought were there, or never was. you know you are trying to fill a void in your life if you find yourself googling words or names from your life hoping to get a hit. you think of different combination of keywords praying that it will lead you nearer to where you want to be. sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you get zilch. more often than not, you spend hours facing the monitor wasting your time looking for something that is possibly never there in the first place. not everybody revolves their lives on the net. not everybody is like you. not everybody feels the need to feel connected to the world through the world wide web.

when finally you admit defeat, you realise that you feel lonelier than you ever did in the first place.

so what happens in your life when you don't blog?

2006-12-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

well, for one thing i've learnt that there is only so much prawns that i can eat. my skin is recovering from a very bad case of hives, which my sister is convinced is actually chicken pox or measles. i itched from the face down to the upper chest, and they were filled with the most unsightly mini spots filled with pus. even though i've been warned not to scratch, i did it anyway because i wanted to.

since my last post, i was also hit with the flu bug even though i had my flu shot back in june prior to my visit to iran. according to the doctor, if i hadn't had that shot, my condition would have been far worse. it was quite bad actually. i 'clocked' a temperature of 39.7 degrees. and this was just one week after i had been hit by the stomach flu (see previous post). my doctor was advising me that if i were to have anymore fever episodes, i seriously have to consider getting my blood checked for malaria, or any other diseases that i might have contracted.

enough about my bad blood. i've been cursed with having inherited 'defective' genes.

currently i'm seriously enjoying take that's latest single 'patience'. i must say all those years waiting for a comeback is definitely worth it.

oh, and i think sj is avoiding me like the plague. i'm leaving him be. he'll come running back to me when the time is right... or he may not. bah!

talking about sj... i think i've lost all interest in sex. there's just no drive anymore, you know. sure, if i were to watch the occasional porn i just might get a stirring, but the idea of watching porn while my baby sleeps in the next room feels just wrong, you know.

clive owen is sexy. he makes me wet. maybe i should think of clive owen more often. but how long can that last to get it going? ppfffttt...

anyway, i've been having an idea for a new story. it's still in its infant stages, will publish when i've thought it through.

being sick also means i've been having very weird dreams lately. i dreamt that i was married to another man (who happens to be an ex-schoolmate). and this man, somehow i know doesn't really love me that much, and neither i him. it was, sort of, a marriage of convenience. and i had the greatest urge to call my ex-husband (who, ironically, was my secondary school boyfriend, in this dream) because i wanted to ask him as to why we got ourselves divorced. but somehow we had lost touch and i didn't know how to contact him, and i was convinced that i love him still.

but i have been thinking about him. this guy that i broke up with way back in secondary school. i'm curious as to how he's doing now, what's he's doing, and who he's doing it with. i last saw him way back in 1999, in a shopping centre, but somehow we didn't acknowledge each other although i know we did 'see' one another. i wonder what could have happened to us if we didn't break up...

anyway, enough rattling. i need to hit the showers and go to sleep. hopefully, tonight's dream would be wonderful.

oh, the horror!

2006-11-05T03:19:00.000+08:00

i'm not sure how my body is functioning but i don't think i'm 100% up to par. considering that i've never been 100% up to anything, i don't think it really means anything. confused? so am i.

last thursday i was sick. and i mean really, really sick. so sick i couldn't get out of bed when my baby was screaming her head off. lucky for me, hubby was on leave so he took over baby duties. it wasn't the flu because i already had my flu shot before i went to iran back in june. it was some dastardly virus that i caught. i purged like i've never purged before. not even when i was detoxing myself with cleansing colon pills did i purge like this. after hours of purging and sleeping and when i finally had the energy to press that little button to scan my ear temperature, the damn thing blinked 40 deg celcius in my blurry eyes. even though i was too sick to drag myself to my doctor's, i was still capable of taking that shower that probably saved what was left of my brain cells.

i recovered the next day, and just a little asthmatic from the ordeal. the thing is, this is the second time in three weeks that i've gotten a fever. the last one lasted, on and off, for about five days. at its peak, i think, my temperature was at 39.5 deg celcius. even then my doctor couldn't figure out what was ailing me. he suggested that if my fever still ran after i finished my course of antibiotics, he would suggest that i do a dengue blood test. but i seriously doubt that i have that.

anyways, must stop typing. eyes sleepy. head groggy. actually i think it was a migraine before. mmm... dunno. will stop now.

sj update: he IS laying low. his wife went back to england for a bit and he had decided to 'behave'. i've always known he's weird.

call me when you're sober

2006-10-30T02:49:00.000+08:00

every once in a while i'd think about sj, but more so these past few weeks. what with the fasting month and hari raya looming, i wasn't online much. but even when i was, he was never there. i wonder how he's doing, and whether everything's ok with him and his wife. the last i heard, he had some troubles but as usual, he didn't want to tell me much and kept saying that things will pass. but if history is any indication, and if i think i know him well enough, his disappearance from the cyber world, and the lack of sms-es, could only mean that he has a lot of things to sort out in his life.

i would love to send him an sms, but the last two times that i did, he never responded. his reason when we did meet online was that he wanted to lay low for a while. i think there's more to the story but i didn't want to push it. sj, the ever mysterious man, and yet, i have no reason to think that i should stop all communications with him. i'm weird. he's weird. that's why we click. and in a not so sane world, i think we make sense, bar reality.

maybe i'll just send an sms tomorrow. afterall, that is what you would expect from a friend, wouldn't you?

it's been awhile...

2006-10-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

it's quite rare that i love a song on the first take, but somehow i'm loving this tremendously. AND it has a "story" to go along with it. anyone who's interested, can type "platinum weird" and google it yourselves. meanwhile, i've decided to share the videos with you all. enjoy, bitches!

and now the "1974" version...

2006-09-21T20:13:00.000+08:00

click here if you care...

why?

2006-09-17T03:46:00.000+08:00

why is it when there is a general lack of funds in my life, there seems to be a need to buy things? i say 'need' because i really think that a purchase of this sort is very, very necessary.

currently, i am sleeping on a bed that i am pretty sure is lopsided. this, according to my husband, is because my side of the bed is more regularly used in the past one and a half years eversince i have ceased working. not only that, it creaks, sounding almost pained, everytime i slide myself in. i have a fear that that thing will collapse itself onto me while i sleep.

but truthfully, i seriously think it's time for a change. the bedroom set that i have is actually the one that hubby bought for me for our wedding nine years ago. i don't blame that old wood for creaking. at least it's doing a whole lot better than the chest of drawers. that thing has lost its rollers that is making the simple operation of pulling a drawer out very difficult.

technically, i'm not whining (or maybe i am), but i'm having a hard time trying to convince hubby that we really do need a new set before everything crumbles down like a termite-eaten piece of log before it's too late.

plus, picket and rail have a set that i really love and it's less than half price. *sigh*

iran in my dreams

2006-08-27T15:48:00.000+08:00

my first glimpse of iran

2006-08-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

the holy shrine of ayatollah khomeini

2006-08-27T15:44:00.000+08:00

one of the many wall murals in iran

2006-08-27T15:41:00.000+08:00

isfahan square

2006-08-27T15:10:00.000+08:00

such intricate designs

2006-08-27T15:09:00.000+08:00

my value-for-money burger. just S$2!

2006-08-27T15:07:00.000+08:00

candy shop

2006-08-27T15:06:00.000+08:00

enduring cracked lips and bleeding noses, we still had it in us to smile in this picture!

2006-08-27T15:03:00.000+08:00

the ruins of persepolis

2006-08-27T15:02:00.000+08:00

find me!

2006-08-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

at a souk

2006-08-27T14:58:00.000+08:00

and we thought our traffic jams were bad...

2006-08-27T14:56:00.000+08:00

my extreme iranian makeover. i'm a blonde!

2006-08-27T14:55:00.000+08:00

night picnic at the park, because it's too damn hot to have it in the day!

2006-08-27T14:53:00.000+08:00

on the way up the mountains

2006-08-27T14:48:00.000+08:00

fresh, icy cold mountain water

2006-08-27T14:25:00.000+08:00

"i don't know why... but i'm feeling kinda nutty all of a sudden..."

2006-08-27T14:20:00.000+08:00

gracious hosts - farewell picture

i've always suspected that my baby came from a cabbage patch...

2006-07-26T03:20:00.000+08:00

and here's proof!

the reason why i haven't been blogging...

2006-06-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

she recently turned two months, so i've had my hands full for quite a bit. and also, i just returned from a two week trip to Iran. i will put up pics soon. when i can, that is. i miss the blogging world very much, and every single day i tell myself, 'today will be the day that i will blog'. but as you can see from the lack of posts, it didn't happen. nu., thanks for asking, i hope i haven't disappointed you or anyone else from the lack of insight into my life and thoughts lately. i'll see you all soon.

reasons why i'm a shopaholic

2006-04-11T04:14:00.000+08:00

ever heard of the adage 'i think, therefore i am'? well, in my case, that can be reconstructed as, 'i think, therefore i shop' or 'i think, therefore i eat'.

i shop excessively and i binge for the same reasons. i watch a lot of plastic surgery makeover programs because they fascinate me. my hubby asked why i have a liking towards such shows and my answer is, believe it or not, fairly simple. i watch those shows just so that i know there are a lot of people who are more dysfunctional than i am.

almost all of the patients have esteem issues (the rest do it because they do porn). i guess they're hoping that when they fix what they think is wrong on the outside, they'll be fixing those things in the inside as well.

since i don't have the financial means to go for plastic surgery, nor do i really think that enduring hundreds of stitches just so that i can have symmetrical boobs is necessary, i choose to shop and/or eat. i'm trying to fill up the incessant emptiness i have in my heart.

it is amazing the things that your memory retains even though try as you might to let them go. i am still crying over things that happened to me twenty years ago. the emotional blackmail, the physical abuse, the constant fight for love and affection, and the adverse psychological damage i had to endure.

i have tried to surround myself with positive thoughts and positive reinforcements. but i'll have to admit, trying to undo 30 years of damage is tough. but i'm adamant about it, enough of beating myself down.

as my 32nd birthday approaches, i'll make the same wish that i've been making since i turned 30. rather than asking for material wealth and long life, i'll stick to the basics;

please God, make me happy.

Menunggumu - Chrisye featuring Peterpan

2006-03-30T02:33:00.000+08:00

Di dalam sebuah cinta
Terdapat bahasa
Yang mengalun indah
Mengisi jiwa
Merindukan kisah
Kita berdua
Yang tak pernah bisa
Akan terlupa

Bila rindu ini masih milikmu
Kuhadirkan sebuah tanya untukmu
Harus berapa lama aku menunggumu
Aku menunggumu

Di dalam masa indah
Saat bersamamu
Yang tak pernah bisa
Akan terlupa
Pandangan matanya
Menghancurkan jiwa
Dengan segenap cinta
Aku bertanya

Aku menunggumu

Dalam hati ku menunggu
Dalam hati ku menunggu
Aku...
Dalam benak ku menunggu
Dalam hati ku menunggu
Aku...
Masih menunggu

Bila rindu ini masih milikmu
Kuhadirkan sebuah...
Harus berapa lama, harus berapa lama
Aku menunggumu, aku menunggumu
Aku menunggu...aku menunggumu

how long must i wait for you? it seems that i don't have to wait too long now. come next month, i will see you, after seeing you and waiting for you for so long in my dreams. it'll be the best birthday present anyone would have ever given me.

p.s. i pray for chrisye's recovery from his illness. Amin.

phoenix rising

2006-03-15T03:02:00.000+08:00

there's something going on with me; mentally and physically, i think. i've been having very lucid dreams lately. most of the things that i think about during the day, i'd most definitely dream of them at night. sometimes, it tells me things, and sometimes it shows me the answers to things that i don't already know. i don't ever remember this happening to me before.

and somehow i woke up today with a surge of newfound courage. i was not afraid to say what was on my mind. i was not interested in keeping the peace anymore. keeping the peace has done nothing for me except sweep all the emotions that i've been having under the rugs. i did not feel a tinge of fear. somehow, my mind felt clear, and not confused like i used to feel before when confronted with issues that made my blood boil.

could i possibly be learning? could i possible be growing? could i possibly, finally, be maturing?

phoenix is in me. the phoenix has finally risen.

greed & lust

2006-03-07T03:05:00.000+08:00

ahhh... two of the seven deadly sins. why am i broaching this subject, you ask? because i want to.

i've been eating like a pig these past few weekends. there would be days in between when i don't eat much. purely because i'm too lazy to cook and also because grocery shopping has not been done. then, hubby received a couple of those 1 for 1 dinner coupons from various companies because it was his birthday in february. so screwing family budget aside, we've been literally eating big.

i've developed a weird craving lately for all things sweet too. it's not enough with dinner, but i would have to get desserts too. ice-creams, cakes, pastries, ice-blendeds - it's never enough. i'd be full today, and the next meal i want more.

needless to say, i've been feeling the bloatedness lingering rather than a passing thing. weight gain is looking not too far away and i don't want that. i'm not too certain what has brought this on, but it doesn't look like it's slowing down anytime soon. i took a pisture two days ago and was surprised to see the roundness of my face coming back. oh please God, no....

my sister seems to think that i could be pregnant but i told her, let's just face the truth. and that is, i'm fat. you can only curb the urge for so long before the pig wants to be let out. i just hope the pig decides that it had enough soon.

now, in a previous post, i have posted that i'm a rocker chick at heart, and this fact is still true. i wonder how many people follow 'american idol' like i do. i make it a point not to miss an episode. there are some obvious talents and then there are those that are only there for, what i call, 'face value'. and then there's chris daughtry.

the first time they showed him singing on his audition, i knew i was a fan. and last week he proved why he was so deserving of my praises. that man can really sing, i tell you! he raised all the goosebumps that i had and he even managed to make me cry! if the contestants had not been limited to only two minutes per song, i'm betting i could very well get an orgasm.

you add his singing ability, his good looks, his good-guy demeanour, and a man who truly, and i mean truly loves his wife - you get a perfect man.

now if only hubby would shave himself bald and learn to sing like that, i'd be a very happy woman.

i'm declaring war!

2006-03-06T16:07:00.000+08:00

i'm on the warpath to reclaim my happiness. i shall not stop until they are fulfilled. i will not remain mum in the interest of keeping the peace at my expense. i will not allow anyone to get the better of me. i will do things my way from now on. i will make my own choices, based on my own interests rather than basing them on others.

i've had the last straw.

the story so far

2006-03-04T03:56:00.000+08:00

i know i haven't been blogging, but it has never occured to me just how long it had been.

when i first started this blog, it was intended to be as some sort of an outlet for me. unfortunately, lately, it has been difficult for me to express things that goes on in my life. i do not want to be judged and labelled by people who reads this blog. i had decided to forgo my anonimity sometime back just because i wanted to be a responsible blogger and put a face to everything that i write. boy, did that bite me in the ass.

the thought of shutting this blog down had crossed my mind numerous times, but then i thought the better of it. it is not fair to this blog, and also the reason why i started in the first place. so i'm keeping this, and most possibly open a new one where i will unleash my deepest, darkest secrets.

i feel like i have grown quite a bit in the last few months. while some things lay stagnant, there are a lot of other things that i have seen in new perspectives. i am slowly learning to let go bits and pieces of my past. all this time, i have always thought that your life experiences make you a better person that you are today, but then i totally miss the fact that some history are best left forgotten if you want to be the best person you can be now and tomorrow.

sometimes i wish i can share this knowledge with the people that i love most, but then i know, as i have learn myself, that i cannot make anyone change unless they seek it. some people blame themselves for the things that happen in their lives today for the things that they had failed to do yesterday. i have berated myself numerous times over those exact thinking. now i fairly know that by doing that i am nowhere i want to be only because i am always living in the past, trying to fix mistakes in my mind, instead of doing things now and avoiding new mistakes by learning.

it's hard to be coherent at four o'clock in the morning.

i'm not saying i have finally understood the meaning of life, i'm just saying i'm starting to take small steps towards where i want to be. being positive in the face of adversity has its merits. it's understandable if people cannot understand, but i believe it's a journey some people just have to take in the hopes that they will learn.

i am not one to question the qada' and qadr' of God, but i cannot understand why some people choose to go down the path that they have chosen. but i have always believe in the adage 'berani buat, berani tanggung'. i think that's the only way you will ever learn anything.

it's always great to have a shoulder to cry on and a support system that you can count on. but at this age that i am now, i have come to realise, if i am the strong woman that i believe that i am, having the emotional strength to handle anything that comes my way will ultimately prove the resilience within.

i am babbling, and my head is clouding up.

anyways, my point being, i'm not saying that i'm ignoring my past, i'm just saying that i won't dwell on it. i'll just take the good things and move on with my life. positive thinking will bring positive occurences, that i believe.

now i'm going off to sleep. hopefully when i read this the next time, it still makes sense.

the story of my life

2006-02-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

what i want, you cannot give
what i need, i may already have
what i have is never enough...

i cry

2006-02-07T03:22:00.000+08:00

i cry for the boy whom i will never know
a face i will never see
a breath you will never take

i cry for the boy
who was never given a choice
to see, to hear, to taste, to smell, to touch
never to know laughter or tears

i cry for the boy
to be the consequence of the unfairness of this world
the innocent product of stupidity

i cry for the boy
that will never come to be
subjected to the undue process of elimination
askewed perception of hiding shame

i cry for the boy
a victim of hypocrites
to fall prey
for just being

i cry for the boy
for being helpless
for not able to do more
to help

i cry for the boy that i will not get to love
to watch you sleep in the crook of my arms
to feel your warmth

you will never be mine
for even if they don't
i would have loved you anyway.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2006-02-05T03:17:00.000+08:00

hey, i'm all for the freedom of speech, but i draw the line when it comes to insulting another individual's faith.

everybody is entitled to their own opinions, but it's respect that all of us lack of, is the reason why the world is in the state that it is.

singapore idol, my ass!

2006-01-24T04:20:00.000+08:00

the new season is coming to town again. i don't think singapore is lacking in talent. oh no... it's just that i seriously think that the judging prior to the votes made by the public are somewhat biased.

so what if the public gets to choose the eventual winner? a lot of people forget that the finalists that gets to show their talents on air are the ones handpicked by the supposedly qualified judges. come on, i think we all know better than that.

you gotta have real sass to actually be able to pull that stunt. for whatever reason, they have to like you, whether or not your talent is the size of a reservoir. i have seen people with real talent get pushed aside just because, according to the judges, don't have the x-factor.

x-factor can only bring you about this far.

seriously, i'm not seething with contempt for the competition. i'm not bitter that i'm not going to be in it. my time has passed. all due to age-ism. that's not the only flaw that plagues the idol series, i think.

but the major thorn in my ass now is this; what's with the opening the competition to everyone? and i mean everyone within the age range of 16-30? see, that's why it's called 'singapore idol' instead of 'singaporean idol'. you've got people flying in from God knows where, and making it that much harder for the bumiputera talents to really shine in the one great opportunity that they may ever have in this lifetime. they might as well change the name of the competition to 'idol : singapore'. you know, like 'survivor vanuatu' or 'survivor africa'.

with all the complaints that we do not have an identity of our own, our media has decided to cop out and succumb to the lure of making this an all out event just to ensure massive turnouts. that's faith for you. if you can't count on your public, who else can you count on?

but whatever it is, i still won't stop myself from enjoying the talentless idiots that decides to humiliate themselves on national television just so that they can get their five minutes of fame.

how does it feel?

2006-01-20T01:52:00.000+08:00

to be the most hated girl in the world... it's like primary school all over again. the only difference this time is that i choose to be hateful.

but truthfully, it's not like a party in the park. you know, the kind that opens to the public and nobody turns up. i'm a sick person. in the head. no amount of self help books can rectify that. i don't trust anyone in the world would be able to help me. not even the most capable shrink. because the only good that will do is buff up my acting skills.

that's what i do best, you know. acting. my whole life has been nothing but a soap opera. seems too scripted to be real life. too bad nobody is ever going to give me an emmy for that.

i'm far from feeling depressed. no. i think i'm passed that. it's more of a numb feeling. i know the world is passing me by but i feel helpless and i don't know what to do.

i'm selfish. but i also can't help feeling that i'm a little bit too empathetic. is there such a word? i think i care too much. about everything. it feels like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. while i'm busy caring about everybody else, i forget my own needs. then i tell myself that i have to come first and i become this selfish person. it's a bad cycle.

i wish my life came with a manual. at least i know what i can anticipate. so, you know, you don't have to be biting your fingernails while waiting in the wings. and, you know, not to care so much, whatever comes.

i know i'm talking shit, but hey, you gotta excuse me, coz it is after all two in the morning.

i haven't been blogging not because i haven't got anything to say, but actually i've got too many things going on in my head. it's hard to decide what's more important and what's actually just the mundane, nonsensical things that takes up a lot of my brain cells everyday.

updates in brief... but then again, maybe not

2006-01-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

i've definitely been a lazy blogger. sure, i've come online to read other people's blogs but i have utterly neglected mine. i'm not too sure why i'm doing that though. it could just be a case of sheer laziness.

so let's see... the last time i properly blogged was before i went off for my little getaway in bintan. you know what i've learnt about myself since then? that i'm a maniac (surprise, surprise!). i'm an uptight bitch that just refuses to get along with everybody. those that got in my way suffered the repercussions. my family weren't spared, and so was that security lady at the ferry terminal. one wrong word came from her, and i got her supervisor out so that i could get a personal apology. i still stand by my story though. she insulted me and i did what any other human being would do. i made her cry.

but i'm thinking i don't do exactly well in family holidays. everyone gets on my nerves. a clash of personalities, if you will. so i told hubby, never in my life, ever again, will i go on another family holiday. and that spa? didn't happen. but hubby compromised and sent me for an upper body massage at the 'relax room' to hopefully untie my knots. it helped somewhat, and i'm happy to say, three weeks after my holidays, i'm a little calmer.

being around so many brats also made me realise something else; i hate them! i told hubby that i don't want to have kids and he threw a fit. with me being so unstable, i don't think bringing a child into this world is a wise thing to do.

here's another thing i've learned; i still got it. on christmas, i got a invitation from my broadband provider to party at the new ministry of sound club that just opened at clarke quay. the place was great but the crowd was not. it was filled with young punks who badly needed dancing lessons. we bar hopped to attica later where i was promptly hit on by a black man. "hey.. wassup," was his line. so lame...

and another thing, i seem to be a black man magnet. not that i intentionally want to be, because they are definitely not my type (if i was looking). but i just am, being fleshy and all. the night before, hubby's niece told me that a group of them were checking me out while we were playing pool. oh, please!

i didn't go anywhere to usher in the new year though. instead, i was at my mom's house enjoying her massage chair, putting it on a repetitive cycle. i must say it was way better than the massage that i got from a trained therapist. but i did spend three consecutive days at times the bookshop warehouse sales and went home with gems, i tell you. gems! all at bargain basement prices. hubby said he had never enjoyed shopping till that moment. hmmm...

anyways, the post christmas sale is all over the place and so far, i must say i've kept my impulses in check. i'm guessing it won't be for long though. i've already told hubby that i'll be hitting the shops tomorrow with the excuse that some toiletries just need to be bought. plus, i've got a 20% discount mailer that have to be used by tomorrow or it'll be such a waste. wouldn't you agree?

my iranian brother-in-law will be going back to his homeland somewhere in june/july and hubby has voiced out his interest that he wants to tag along. i'm not really keen on the idea, what with me swearing off family holidays and all. but he said we could throw in another middle east country in the mix and suggested dubai. but now we're thinking it's not such a good idea as temperatures have been known to soar up to 40 degrees celcius in the summer. so maybe it would be turkey, or jordan, or maybe egypt (a bit off the continent, but who cares?)...

of course, the most important issue in this new year of 2006 is : when the hell am i going to start working? especially if i want to be able to finance that big holiday, right? any takers? any employers looking for a very capable employee for a fair price who happens to be reading this? bah! what do you know?

to be continued...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

2005-12-25T16:29:00.000+08:00

will come back to blog when i feel like it. in the mean time, i'm gonna go out to party for a bit and see how much fun i can squeeze out of the holidays. hope you have a good one!

errr, do i get a medal or something?

2005-12-12T03:36:00.000+08:00

ok, somebody congratulate me...

in this day and age where marriages and divorces are rife, it is damn bloody amazing that we have lasted this long. especially if you were to think about how short our courting days were (3 months and then he proposed). we practically jumped into this marriage thing. no - it was not a shotgun marriage. i was definitely not pregnant with child or with any other hatchlings. we just thought that it was the only natural thing to do for two persons in love. oh yeah, and the fact that my mom kept screaming at me, "pergi kahwin sana!!! (go and get married!!!)" everytime i came home late.

for all those of you who never had the faith that we could last this long, or that what we had was real, my answer is, "nyeh! in your face!" for those of you who are/were jealous of this union and have/had feelings of ill-will towards us (and believe me, there are some), my answer is, "may God forgive you and give you peace" because i sure as hell am not capable of giving that to you.

but most importantly for those who knows and keeps reminding me what a good thing i have and wishes me the best of everything from this marriage, i thank you, for having the faith and good sense, sometimes more that i do at times.

and to my husband, i love you and i thank you for loving me. you came into my life when i thought nobody would love me and when i thought that all men are bastards (i still do). you chose to prove me wrong. thank you for putting up with my nonsense and putting me in my place when there was a need, and i can assure you that that happens very often. you were my saviour and you came to my rescue after i prayed to God to send me my fate. you chose to ignore what others tell you and you love me anyway. for the love that you bring into my heart and for showing me that you will still love me no matter what, i owe my life and soul to you. even though that i have not been the best of wives, i can only promise you that we have many more years together for me to learn to be that (but don't think that'll ever stop me from giving you a good whipping if i think you need it - kinky or otherwise).

happy 8th anniversary, baby.

and oh, i'm still (secretly) hoping that you'll book me into the spa at bintan tomorrow. *kiss*

hurts so good

2005-12-10T00:43:00.000+08:00

i hate periods. period.

all it ever does is make me feel bloated, hormonal and zits popping up in the most unlikely places. where's the most painful place a zit can dwell on that makes you wish you didn't have a womb? i've always thought the nostril was a bummer until today.

of all the places, i had a zit on my belly, and the cherry on the ice-cream, one on the eyelid. i swear to God it hurts like shit. the kind of shit that gives you constipation.

and all these extra hormones bouncing around in my teletubby body is causing a wreck. all i've been wanting to do these past few days is cry. i cried when hubby said that he can't afford to send me to the spa in bintan. not my spa! arrrggh...

even the most mundane activity is making me mad. yesterday as i was cooking, my cats got excited and followed me to the kitchen. if not for the fact that i had to keep my hands sterile, i had visions of smacking their bums! i'm pure evil.

oh let's not talk about the cravings! i'm guessing it's way worse than a pregnant woman's! i've been eating pretzels and making oreo ice blendeds for the past week. imagine the noise of blending ice at 2am. you better thank God that you're not my neighbour. even my cats have a good sense to stay away from me when i'm blending.

the biggest 'headache' i have now is that i'll be going off for my holiday next week. my periods have been known to last longer than it should and it always pisses me off. i want to swim! i want to tan! i want to be rid of the hassles of pads and tampons!

damn you, period. damn you!

yok! mari kita nyanyi sama-sama...

2005-12-09T04:29:00.000+08:00

the ultimate freaky-but-oh-so-true song for most girls. and i love it!

Bathwater - No Doubt

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much too heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Wanted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I'm on your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man
I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

incident report

2005-12-07T03:40:00.000+08:00

i'm typing this because this is still fresh in my mind lest something else happens.

time: 2:50 AM
location: my home, more specifically, my master bedroom window

i heard two loud thuds, the second one louder than the first followed by a loud crash. since i was in the other room, with the windows closed and AC on, i wasn't too sure where the loud noise was coming from. my first instinct was to look out the window, which i did. i saw a couple of boys/men (it was dark) walking along the pathway looking at my house's direction. i figured that since they did not display any signs of urgency or panic, it could just be that they noticed something had dropped outside my window. nonetheless, i decided to investigate.

i switched on the lights and noticed that my husband was awaken by the loud crash too. this occured to me that i should check the bedroom window. what i found on the window ledge was pieces of broken glass and a huge piece that looked like a light bulb. my first thought was who in their right mind would throw a light bulb at nearly 3 in the morning out the window? as i am only on the 2nd level, there could be many suspects all living above me.

while curiously looking at the remnants and checking if there was any damage done to my windows, it was then i realised that the garden/pathway lighting just below were badly vandalised. i then put two and two together and realised that the bulb did not fall from above, but instead it was an attempt to throw it through my open window from below. luckily(?), i had opened it just a crack because the wind was quite strong tonight, therefore sparing the shards from entering my room.

since hubby was asleep, he wasn't too aware of what had happened, but he did remember hearing a male voice. i'm guessing that the guys that i saw walking could not be the culprits as they were quite far off, unless they have some super-strength in throwing from a good few metres away. therefore they are witnesses. what i find peculiar is that, if they had seen something, why did they not do anything like what a civic minded person would do. possibly what they saw scared them?

hubby is suggesting that we leave things be saying that it was just a mischievous action. apparently he is totally unacknowledging the fact that his wife is a paranoid bitch. i think it's scary and i keep thinking that if that window had been open a bit wider, that bulb could have entered the room and injuring possibly me had i been in the bed. or worse, toby, my cat, could have been sitting on the ledge, because he likes to and injuring my baby.

i keep thinking if i were to make a police report out of this, the police would have my name all over the place over various complaints. they might think i'm a psychopath with a tendency to think that the world is full of criminals. either that, there must be something wrong with my karma to be burdened with so many criminal incidents.

growing up dysfunctional

2005-12-06T02:18:00.000+08:00

there's a trait in my family that runs from my eldest aunt, right down to my youngest cousin; we all have a difficulty in saying what we really feel. but that's not to say that we are all devoid of emotion because you won't see any other family that is more temperamental than us.

what i'm trying to say is this, when it comes to stating the obvious, may it be admitting guilt and saying we're sorry, or to the simplest form of saying 'i love you' is almost taboo. we're a tight knit family, fiercely loyal to a certain extent and tremendously 'not-quite-there' as a whole unit.

imagine ray romano's family. ok, now multiply that by 10, and you'll get a whole lot of us. way worse, but not any less loving than the simpsons.

why am i saying all these things? because growing up dysfunctional has its repercussions. there are things that i'm not capable of doing and not capable of saying. i grew up certain that i want to be different, but now that i'm older, i'm not really sure that i can be. a lot of things still makes me uncomfortable. showing the characteristics of a 'fighter' is okay. it's alright to show anger, fury, contempt and yet when it comes to emotions of the opposite, we all clam up.

don't get me wrong. i'm not feeling sorry about myself, but i just wish that this hostile persona that is me sometimes would forget. and truth be told, i have never confessed this to anyone before, i am afraid to become a parent if i were to still exhibit this nasty temperament. i do not want my child to grow up thinking that this is alright, that this is the norm. i do not want my child to grow to be bitter as how i've come to be. i do not want my child to grow up and realise that his parent has not taught him the best of morals.

and somewhere at the back of my mind, i still think that God loves me enough for not giving me any kids of my own because He knows that i still have a lot of issues that i still have yet to resolve. and He knows that there is no way i can live with more guilt knowing that i have brought up my children up the way i swore that i would never subject them to.

so i'm guessing, it's going to be a very long time before anyone will ever see me with a kid of my own on my hip.

in this quirky, somewhat off-centre brain of mine...

2005-12-02T05:26:00.000+08:00

... i know lies a truly beautiful and intelligent woman just waiting to get out. during the first few years of my relationship with my husband, he thought that this somewhat unusual behaviour was equivalent of my being childish. but then as the years went by, hubby seems to understand me better. now he just says that i'm 'tak betul' (not quite right).

but who says that beautiful and intelligent woman is totally in hiding, eh? hehehe....

here's the thing; lately, i've been thinking about going back to work. no, i mean it, seriously this time. i even told hubby that once i lose all the weight, i wanna apply to be an emirates stewardess. that is, if they would want to employ me.

although i don't think i am a 100% cured of the evils that i had endured at my last workplace, i am willing to give the corporate world another chance. besides, i hate being a woman who has to depend on someone else for spending money.

heh... i'm very high maintenance, and a woman like myself need money to spend. the lures of sales are too much for me sometimes. it's like an itch that needs to be scratched. constantly. i may have a psychological problem, trying to fix the things that are broken in my life with purchases that make me giddy with euphoria. but let that be an issue that i'll deal with when i'm ready to deal with it.

there can never be enough things to have. but there is always the issue of not having enough money to spend.

anyways, back to the issue at hand. i need to find work, but i'm thinking it's going to be difficult as i'm still hating people right now. too many monkeys. monkeys with power are the worst. i've been having nightmares about going back to work and working and dealing with monkey bosses. one particular odd and insane dream that i had was about a sword wielding superior trying to teach me the ropes. although that in itself should have frightened me, but it was the strict instructions that i had to follow because she would not let me hold that sword any other way than how she has taught me. after that i had to karaoke with her, singing some old songs that i've never even heard of and yet i had to pretend that i liked every single moment of that induction lest i give an unfavourable first impression.

for now, i have got to get active in my pursuit for the elusive 'perfect/dream' job. if it is at all anywhere available. what would make me happy?

whatever that may be, i have to be positive. for the first time since i've been a lady of leisure, i'll be going on a short holiday before christmas. i'm hoping, by then, i would have worked out most of my issues.

it's tough being me. one would think that someone like me wouldn't be afraid of what's instore. but truthfully, sometimes i am. but like a foreword that i've read on a book cover before, 'he who is afraid of the dark, would one day be afraid of his own backside'.

how much can a bloody condom cost anyway?

2005-11-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

not that kind of condoms, mind you. i'm talking about the ones that will protect my iPod nano.

yes, yes, i'm a proud new owner of an iPod. i cannot afford such luxuries, but this baby was given to me by my internet service provider because i have recontracted my broadband with them. kinda cool, huh?

anyways, i've been looking around for a good one for my nano, but the prices are absolutely ridiculous! a silicone cover (looked like any old plastic to me) cost $49.90. a knock-off cost $19.90, but i didn't want those kind because they do not offer 100% protection. i wanted those that gloves my nano like a book. a pvc model on the apple website is selling it at $39.00. for that amount of money, i can get a top for myself.

so i decided that when push comes to shove, i gotta go to the place that will not disappoint. i went to funan the IT mall. i was there bright and early, but wouldn't you know it, most of the shops didn't open till after 11am. so i delayed myself, and i had a great mcdonald's breakfast which i had denied myself for far too long.

at 10.30am, i was already bored and itching to hit the shops. i would say only about less than 10 shops were already opened at that time but i was lucky. the third shop that i visited, had exactly what i was looking for. it was a full leather cover, in black, comes with two handy straps, and it was definitely in my budget. the thing was only $23.90. yay!

i didn't want to waste my time looking for cheaper or better ones. i got what i wanted, and it was definitely easy on my scant bank account. the things i do to protect my technology.

i bought that and immediately went off to a more important venue. the loreal pre-christmas sale at the singapore expo. and i psyched myself up to be surrounded by more monkeys that afternoon.

what do you get when you put a man in a jungle?

2005-11-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

you get a monkey. just watch 'survivor' and you'll see what i mean. so what about those that lives in the urban jungle? monkeys. big bunch of baboons, all of us.

seriously, this is how i see everybody in our society. and mind you, this includes myself. nobody has any respect for anyone anymore. those self-righteous people who thinks they are all that are guilty of looking down on others at one point of time or another. we are all quick to judge, quick to react. sometimes when somebody goes out of their way to be nice, it's cancelled out by an act of pure 'monkey-ness' somewhere else.

what do i mean by monkeys? let me give you an example. last week when i was at the singapore expo for the mph and metro warehouse sales, there was an overabundance of monkeys on display. people seem to think that just because an item is discounted, they have a right to treat it like it is worthless. common courtesy does not exist in our society. think about it, if it does, would there be a need for a campaign? everything has to be fed to these monkeys.

a woman was rummaging through a pile of clothes as if searching for lost treasure. when she couldn't find what she was looking for, she finally asked the sales staff if they had what she wanted. i guess the staff was too tired or too unbothered to care and told her that everything is on display. so this woman, unsatisfied with the answer, proceeded to totally ransack the folded clothes, obviously thinking that she had every right in the world to do that. when another sales staff approached her asking if she needed any help, the woman snapped and said, "you said everything is here. that's what i'm doing. i'm looking for something. why must you ask me?" see? definitely a monkey in my books.

at the book sale, since no bags or baskets were provided for shoppers, some ingeniously started using the discarded boxes as a shopping cart. the bookworms were definitely there to take advantage of the cheap prices, as was i. there was this one boy that got on my nerves. his mom had let him be in charge of the box, but instead of carrying it, he kept kicking it in front of him like a bloody football. he also kept shouting, " mom! where are you? i can't find you..." i'm guessing he was enjoying the echos of the large hall. the woman, incidently was only about five feet ahead of him. this i know because, after every five shouts or so, she'd answer lazily, "what you waaaant?" monkeys breed monkeys, i say.

there was this one other cute boy who saw a book that he liked and called out to his dad, "dad! look! i found madagascar!" while the boy was flipping through the pages, out of the corner of my eyes, i saw the big ape not caring while ramming his finger up his nose. after he decided that there was no more treasures to be dug in that dirty hole, he let out a grunt and a big "aarrrrggghh" signalling to his son that whatever piece of crap that he had in his little hands was a waste of time. the small boy seemingly understood this neanderthal, proceeded to throw the book on the floor and ran.

these people don't deserve to be parents. they do not know the first thing about child-rearing. know how to fuck but dunno how to take care. bloody urban monkeys! jungle monkeys are more caring and motherly compared to us.

but then who am i to complain? the thing is, when i act like a monkey, i don't even realise i'm doing it until the incident is over. then i would feel so bad and regretted it. like today. i was out shopping with hubby and had my hands full carrying my purchases. i was at this shop that was filled with people and the aisles were too crammed for comfort. so i was trying to ease my way to the cashier when this apek who worked there wanted to trolley out a huge pile of boxes.

"eh kue mee, eh kue mee, hello, eh kue mee... " he kept repeating. i was stuck in between because the lady in front of me was trying to reverse her baby's pram. but then i guess she got caught against something and stalled for a bit. the apek was relentless and for the umpteenth time he nudged my shoulders and repeated, "hello, eh kue mee, eh kue mee..." i snapped. which is not entirely surprising because i have a very low threshold for these kind of things.

"can you wait or not? i'm trying to get out!" i raised my voice. and i must say i immediately regretted it because, it occured to me that a) the apek was only trying to do his job and b) maybe hello and eh kue mee (excuse me) were the only english words he knew.

i feel so rotten inside. i shed a few tears because i knew i was mean. i hate myself. and i'm not saying these things just because it's going to make me feel better. but because i know it's the truth.

i am a monkey.

An Interview With Myself

2005-11-15T17:56:00.000+08:00

Q: I heard that you had an open-house over the weekend. Would you like to tell me how it went and how you prepared for it?

A: Well, first of all, it was not AN open-house, it was TWO open-houses. My husband thought it was 'fun' to hold two separate parties. The parties that turned into a ball. One for his friends and the other one for family. I don't know why he has to be so generous, but then that's just him. I wish I could say that not much preparation went into it, but I'd be lying. I'm a planner. Everything had to be perfect but in my own terms. So in the planning stage, I had an over-abundance of stomach acid flowing, creating multiple ulcers in my already weakened stomach lining. In the actual cooking stage, it was like a cook-off with me losing a kilo over that one weekend itself. The events themselves drained every last energy that I had. Hard work.

Q: You mean you cooked everything yourself?

A: Oii... What kind of interviewer are you? Never pay attention, ah? Yes, all the cooking was done by me, with the exception of two dishes. My sister-in-law came to help out. She was actually the reason why I agreed to the whole thing in the first place. My husband recanted his deal with me about catering and instead threw in his sister as a deal clincher. But then I don't blame him, much, because he did a damn good job in cleaning up the house.

Q: I heard a funny story about the buffet layout. Tell me about it.

A: Ah, yes, that one. My mom bought me a whole set of those stainless steel buffet food displayer thingie when I got moved into my house nearly seven years ago. The thing is, everything had been stored in the storeroom all these years and I forgot all about them. It wasn't until recently that I went in there looking for something that I stumbled upon them. And when my sister-in-law's husband bought her a set for hari raya, it occured to me that I should be using them this year. Good thing they're actually stainless steel, eh? If they're not, I'm sure they'd be rotten by now. Because of that, my husband had to buy a sideboard for us to lay the spread, which cost a cool five hundred bucks. I still think catering would be less painful to his pocket. But he said, "it's an investment." I say, it's his money, not mine.

Q: So what kind of reviews did you get for your hard work?

A: Well, they're kind of mixed, really. My neighbours couldn't believe that I did the cooking myself. One of them really liked my sambal tumis. He was surprised that I did it from scratch, thinking that it was store bought. But the same sambal tumis was given the thumbs down by my uncle saying that it sucks. But I had no complaints about the chicken rice that I did for the second day. Ah well, you can't please everybody, can you? I don't care about it so much, because I think I was too tired to actually care.

Q: What was the predominant fashion style this year? Any comments?

A: Eh, wrong person to ask about fashion. I'm not a fashion follower, more like a fashion setter. I remember wearing a kebaya top with pants last year just because I didn't want the hassle of wearing a sarong kain, and then wouldn't you know it, I see so many people copying that style this year. Huh! I should get royalties! But one thing I know for sure, Melayu-s would never be caught dead without their gold on their hari raya visiting. Personally, the only reason I wear my chunky gold pieces is because my mom bought them for me and I'd be questioned if I don't wear them. She'd be thinking that I'd pawned them or something. But I must say, the record for the person wearing the most gold would have to go to hubby's classmate. She turned up at my house possibly wearing all the gold that she may have. She had more that six bangles, on each arm, and no less than 3 chunky layers of necklaces. I didn't notice how much she was wearing on her ears and fingers. My brother-in-law commented that her arms alone could be worth $10,000.

Q: And what about entertainment?

A: For the first day, there was no entertainment, considering I didn't know half of the people that came. They were mostly my husband's friends. It wasn't until my neighbours turned up that I was actually had a conversation with somebody. But then it was mostly about me ranting about my ex-workplace. Apparently, I haven't 'recovered' yet from that ordeal. When my husband's classmate asked me why I have not looked for a new employment yet, I told her that I'm trying to recuperate. And then she asked what it was that ailed me, I answered, "brain damage." Then there was another topic that seemed to be a favourite among most people that we meet, whether at my house or anywhere: property prices. I don't get it. Are there really not enough things to talk about?

For the second day, coming from a family of talented people, it was only natural that the entertainment was karaoke. There are the 'natural talents', 'maybe got some talents', and then there are the 'no talent but who gives a damn'. I think we butchered, slaughtered, sauteed and fried a whole lot of songs. Since my forte is English songs, I provided ample comic relief to the family when I totally dismembered Siti Nurhaliza's song 'Balqis'. Syahadah!

Q: How many people did you entertain altogether?

A: I don't know. Definitely not 10. 20? No. 30? Not possibly. My guess is, maybe more than 40 but less than a 100. Who knows? I didn't keep count. All I can say is, if I had charged entry, hubby could possibly break even.

Q: So do you think you'll be having another open-house next year?

A: It's too soon to tell. Ask me that question again in five years. I might have my energy back by then.

the verdict: my rendang and sayur lemak - delicious, everything else - just a blur...

2005-11-08T01:44:00.000+08:00

ok, so it's been more than a few days since my last update and according to my statcounter, a couple of loyal people have been coming back to my blog but only to be disappointed. so, i guess you guys wouldn't mind if today's update is a bit longer than usual.

first off, considering the time that i finally managed to go to sleep on hari raya, it was a miracle that i didn't go around visiting like a walking zombie. and my make-up couldn't do much magic in hiding the circle under my eyes. but the irony was this, due to the compromised immune system that i was under, it wasn't that much of a surprise that i suffered more on that day. for the first time possibly in my life, i went visiting without savouring much of the festive fare, the one thing that i was really looking forward to. the tummy ache that landed me in hospital earlier this year was back, and at an inopportune time too.

so there i was, trying not to be cranky, not being able to sample other people's kueh, having to ask for a special glass of warm water instead of the usual gassy and sugar-laden drinks served during this time. but it wasn't as though i wasn't up doing anything or not talking cock like i usually do, because i sure damn was. i think i was the comic relief half of the time for my family. when my tummy decided to finally give me a break, i was so damn hungry, i finished all the kueh tarts at my cousin's boyfriend's house.

i managed to go to 6 houses that day, and when i finally slept, it was 4 am the next day.

friday was spent sleeping, recuperating while hubby went back to work. and then saturday hit and i received an sms at 10 am from sis saying that she and friend had managed to score the orange ball for the subaru challenge.

since i couldn't get my ass out of bed, i didn't manage to get down to ngee ann till after 2 pm. the challenge had already started an hour earlier. after having located my sister and friend, i took some photos. knowing that my sister still had a long way to go, i left after half hour with hubby to go the mph warehouse sale, which hubby and i scored with great book buys. we came home with no less than 10 books all costing between $5 - $14.

but at 8 pm i was back at ngee ann to support my sis and friend again. by this time, things were already taking its toll. sis and friend were wearing down. they were tired, achy, thirsty, hungry, weary and i cannot imagine what else.

for those of you who are not familiar with the subaru challenge, it's basically a test of endurance rather than physical strength. mind over matter, if you will. contestants are given a spot on a car to hold on to and throughout the ordeal, they are not supposed to take their right hands off the appointed decal. they are not allowed to touch any other parts of the car with any other parts of their body. only their two feet are supposed to touch the ground, therefore, no kneeling or sitting is allowed. a five minute break is given every six hours, which the contestants will then choose to either eat, drink, pee, shit, smoke or just contemplate their stupidity/bravery before rushing back to the car before the 5 minutes is up. any non-conformity to the basic rules will result in immediate elimination. that is, if you don't give up before then. last team standing walks away with a pair of subaru impreza.

so anyways, sis and friend were showing signs of strain, and there i was egging them on. at one point, i even told sis to do some twists so she would get her circulation going. i think i pissed her quite a bit when i told her that she couldn't and shouldn't quit. this she replied with, "then you take over my place, ah! i'm very tired already!" after that she didn't even turn to look at me. hubby and i worked out a scheme to be there throughout the night, ready to give them moral support. the plan was for me to go home first to catch some zzzs and come back at 8 the next morning and change 'shifts'.

roughly at 1.30 am sis and friend had their 2nd break and i could see that they were discussing the possibility of quitting. i was glad that they didn't though, when they came back and continued putting their palms on the car. but somehow, at the point when i told sis that hubby will be keeping her company while i go home first, she declared that she wants to go home too. no amount of persuasion was going to work it seems. just as i turned my head, she raised her hands up in the air in a gesture of giving up and walked off. i think her friend was in shock because she kinda looked at my sis as she walked away, but she herself didn't make any intention of moving off. considering that it was a team challenge this year, her staying on was not possible.

so tears were shed after that. i guess, even after deciding to give up, the disappointment of having to walk away without the cars of their dreams was too great. but i was proud of them both. they managed to last a total of 13.5 hours of standing in one spot. i know for sure that i wouldn't even last an hour myself. as i'm typing this, the challenge is still ongoing. they started with 220 teams on saturday afternoon, and i believe they are down to the last 3 teams battling it out right now.

there's always next year, guys. but sis' friend would have to find another partner because my sister had said that it is an experience that she wouldn't want to repeat. but the last i heard, hubby has volunteered to be her partner next year saying that he is very capable of doing it. ok, so next year we shall see. but.... leave so hard to get, macam mana?

2005-11-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

2:31:08 PM - contestants holding on to car number 7.

2005-11-08T01:37:00.000+08:00

152A - possibly cursing herself for being short and getting the back of the car to hold on to.

2005-11-08T01:35:00.000+08:00

152B - still capable of smiling 1.5 hours into the challenge

2005-11-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

8:06:38 PM - time to stretch those ligaments

2005-11-08T01:28:00.000+08:00

8:23:19 PM - tired of standing, but what to do?

2005-11-08T01:25:00.000+08:00

tears of joy? pride? disappointment? tears of exhaustion, more like. time of photo taken: 2:25:33 AM